By 40, the places that used to build friendships without anyone trying have mostly disappeared. Dorm hallways, office desks and soccer sidelines did that work on their own, and nothing built for grown women has replaced them. Ahead of Aug. 1, National Girlfriends Day, one action coach says closing the gap takes far less effort than most women expect.
The fade happens in ordinary moments that rarely feel like loss. A promotion moves a friend group across the country, or a youngest child starts driving and the carpool chats go with the school run. Nothing feels dramatic, but the calendar fills in with fewer names anyway.
Women aren’t imagining it. Loneliness among adults 45 and older just hit its highest level in 15 years, with 40% now calling themselves lonely, up from 35% in both 2010 and 2018. Adults in their 40s and 50s are especially vulnerable, facing work pressure, caregiving duties and changing family life.
Out of practice and out of coworkers
Amy Goober, an action coach and founder of Wandering Women Travel, has studied this wall for years, and desire is almost never what stands in the way.
“First of all, they are out of practice,” Goober said. “Gone are the days of college dorms and watching your kids with other parents at softball or cheering competitions. They are rusty at making new friends and less confident.”
Then came remote work. Without regular face-to-face contact, the coworker who might have become a friend stays a name on a screen. American friendship has been narrowing on other fronts too.
The fix starts smaller than most expect
For a woman feeling stuck, Goober doesn’t recommend an overhaul.
“I recommend the toe dipping method,” Goober said. “Just try a few things out to see how it feels. Find a yoga class, painting activity or women’s walk and sign up. Just signing up for something can create hopefulness and feels like a first step.”
Repetition is what makes it work. A weekly class or walking group creates far more chances to see the same face than a single outing will.
“Another option is to go to your local coffee shop,” Goober said. “Go regularly, and when you see another woman who you’ve seen before, say ‘hello.’ She will be grateful that you took the first step. Reach out to someone you like, but haven’t seen lately. Call or text and set up a time to get together. Again, she will be happy to have someone reach out.”
Goober’s last piece of advice costs nothing.
“Sign up and join whatever you can to get out there,” Goober said. “Take advantage of opportunities to be with other women and don’t be afraid to be the one to make the first move.”
This year, National Girlfriends Day might have less to do with the friends already on the calendar and more to do with the woman at the coffee shop nobody has said hello to yet.
Jennifer Allen is a retired professional chef and long-time writer. Her work appears in dozens of publications, including MSN, Yahoo, The Washington Post and The Seattle Times. These days, she’s busy in the kitchen developing recipes and traveling the world, and you can find all her best creations at Cook What You Love.