The last time you hosted a party, did half the people you invited let you know whether or not they could make it? When you see someone entering a building behind you, do you hold the door for them?
These are just two questions that cut to the heart of a modern social dilemma: Do manners still matter, or have they become relics of a bygone era? The answer, like most things in our rapidly evolving world, isn’t a simple yes or no.
How have manners changed over time?
How we interact with each other has undergone a significant transformation in the past generation. The rise of smartphones and social media has fundamentally altered how we communicate, often diminishing face-to-face interactions and replacing them with texts, tweets and emojis.
This shift has undoubtedly impacted the way politeness is perceived, particularly among Generation Z, the first generation to grow up entirely in the digital age. However, it isn’t just those in Gen Z who behave differently from their grandparents and great-grandparents.
For many Boomers and Gen Xers, certain manners were considered pillars of social etiquette. Writing thank-you notes after receiving a gift, putting your napkin on your lap before you start eating and using proper grammar and punctuation in written communication were all seen as essential marks of respect and consideration for others.
Today, however, these traditions seem less rigid to some, particularly members of Gen Z. A text message of thanks might suffice, an RSVP might come at the last minute or not at all, and using punctuation in texts may be seen as aggressive.
What have the expectations around manners changed?
This shift in etiquette can be attributed to several factors. And this is not the first time the rules of politeness have changed. Less than a hundred years ago, not wearing a hat to church or other formal functions was considered the height of rudeness.
The omnipresence of smartphones has created a culture of instant communication, where brief textual exchanges have replaced more formal written communication. The increase in two-income homes has meant less time for parents to instill traditional manners in their children. And more recently, the isolation caused by the COVID-19 pandemic further eroded opportunities for face-to-face social interaction and the practice of etiquette in real-world settings.
Decades ago, people generally lived in neighborhoods where they knew everyone. They grew up in the same city where they got married and raised their own children. The significant increase in mobility results in less of a sense of collective responsibility towards each other which lowers the cost of bad manners.
The person walking past you is less likely to know you and correct your bad behavior. There is rarely a fear or threat of “I’ll tell your mother” when those in public witness what had been considered bad behavior.
As society has become more accepting and egalitarian, the reduction in division between classes and races means that additional behaviors have also become less strictly enforced. The increase in global travel and cultural amalgamation also changed expectations as people witnessed and accepted different mores.
Are thank-you notes passe?
Once a cornerstone of polite society, the handwritten thank-you note has become increasingly rare. While older generations see it as a necessary expression of gratitude, Gen Z might find a text message more appropriate for the informal nature of their communication style.
When digital photo design and printing arose, busy parents started printing a simple thank-you photo card. The thank-you text is an extension of that change. And all too often, recipients provide no acknowledgment of a gift, leading gifters to wonder if it was received or appreciated at all.
RSVPs are seen as optional
RSVPing promptly to invitations was once considered essential for event planning. Those organizing the events need to know how many people are going to attend to ensure they have sufficient space and food.
Today, last-minute RSVPs or no response at all have become more common. Busy schedules and overfull inboxes are the most common reasons cited for not letting hosts know if they can attend or not. However, people believe that their response won’t matter, not realizing that half of those invited feel the same way.
While older generations might find this disrespectful to the host, Gen Z might view it as a reflection of their busy schedules and fluid plans. They want the flexibility to change their minds.
Do you know which fork to use?
Formal table manners, like placing your napkin on your lap, using utensils correctly and avoiding talking with your mouth full, are less strictly enforced today than in the past. Part of this may be attributed to plying children with digital devices at the dinner table starting from the time they are in high chairs to keep them occupied and quiet, as children no longer learn from example or have parents correcting them.
While older generations might see proper table etiquette as a sign of respect for your dining companions, Gen Z might find it less important in casual settings or may have never heard of some of the niceties previous generations took for granted.
Is it safe to hold the door for someone?
The simple act of holding the door open for someone following you was once considered a common courtesy. Today, however, it can be seen as an outdated gesture, particularly by some in Gen Z.
While older generations perceive it as chivalrous and mannerly, younger people often see it as sexist, regardless of who holds a door open for whom. They may also prioritize speed and efficiency over traditional politeness.
Does including a period in text show aggression?
Formal grammar and punctuation were once considered essential in all written communication. Today, texting and online communication often embrace informality, with emojis, abbreviations and slang taking center stage.
While older generations might see this as sloppy or disrespectful, Millennials and Gen Z might view it as a faster and more natural way to communicate. They see capitalization and punctuation as hostile, which confounds their elders.
Older generations often lament how easy it is to misunderstand tone and meaning in text, but digital natives developed their own rules to share exactly what they mean and how they mean what they say through the use of emojis, lack of punctuation and more. This perceived lack of manners by some generations is a new vernacular designed to increase communication and one Boomers and others have yet to learn.
So, do manners still matter? Absolutely.
It’s important to note that this generational shift in etiquette doesn’t necessarily equate to a decline in respect or kindness. Gen Z often expresses politeness differently, valuing authenticity and directness in their communication. A quick text expressing thanks might hold the same weight as a handwritten note for them.
Respect, consideration and kindness remain the cornerstones of positive social interaction. However, the way we express these qualities may evolve with each generation. Ultimately, fostering a spirit of mutual respect and understanding is more important than rigid adherence to outdated rules.
Michelle Price is a food and travel writer at Honest and Truly who almost has an empty nest. She loves to provide both the inspiration and the confidence you need to help get you into the kitchen and on the road to enjoy new flavors and experiences.